SKYLAR DELEON: 'WELL DESERVED' DEATH SENTENCE

HOW THE SUCKY STORY STARTS In the fall of 2004, Tom and Jackie Hawks put an ad in a local paper to sell their 55-foot yacht, the Well Deserved. The couple had spent their retirement on the Pacific Ocean, but the arrival of their first grandson led them to return to family life on land. On November 6, the ad was answered by Skylar Deleon -- a compulsive liar,  dishonorably-discharged Marine, and extra on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers -- who presented himself as a prospective buyer. He arrived with Alonzo Machain, a young prison guard whom Deleon had met while serving time for burglary. Tom Hawks was skeptical about Deleon's finances and character, but he was put at ease when the 25-year old con-man's wife, Jennifer Henderson, brought down their baby son. The Hawks agreed to meet again with Deleon eight days later for a final cruise before closing the deal. Deleon arrived with Machain and his "accountant" John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a hulking member of the Insane Crips gang; the trio set sail with the Hawks' into the waters off California's Catalina Island. Miles from shore, Deleon and JFK attacked Tom Hawks below deck and Machain subdued his wife Jackie topside. Deleon forced the bound and blindfolded pair to sign a bill of sale for the Well Deserved and a power of attorney form granting him control over the Hawks' bank accounts. Once the documentation was complete, a massive anchor from the stern was attached to the couple and pushed overboard, quickly dragging Tom and Jackie Hawks to their deaths.

HOW EINSTEIN BLEW IT When brought in for questioning, Deleon substituted one lie for another by blabbing about his intention to purchase the Well Deserved with $400,000 worth of drug money in an attempt to launder it, his effort to misdirect police questioning and feign forthrightness. Additionally, he saw fit to mention the presence of Alonzo Machain at both outings with the victims, a man he had known less than a year. Machain, young, dumb, and thoroughly ill-equipped for such an intense interrogation, quickly folded and spilled full details of the sordid affair.

PUSSY WHIPPED Deleon had spent most of his life lying and scheming his way through various cons -- including a murder of pilot John Jarvi a year earlier which netted him $50,000 -- but when it came to the Hawks and their boat, the brainiac needed some help. This came from his wife, Jennifer, whom Deleon phoned at every interval during the murder; she even drove the trail car when he later disposed of the Hawks vehicle in Mexico. In their crowning moment of poorly-planned co-conspiracy, a week after the Hawks' disappearance Deleon and Henderson were caught on camera at a bank, grinning like idiots, as they attempted to withdraw the Hawks' life savings with their ill-gotten power of attorney.

THE LENGTHS TO WHICH THIS GENIUS WENT While a maritime murder presents many benefits for the would-be killer -- convenient corpse disposal, no eye-witnesses, a crime scene complicated by the ocean -- it's all for naught if the murderer knows shit-all about boats. Presumably careful to eliminate fingerprints or a sign of struggle, Deleon was less diligent in returning the vessel to ship-shape. Prosecutor Matt Murphy brought in friend Gary Burns, aka "Salty Sam," an expert in nautical crime scenes, who helped investigators to recognize the absence of one of the ship's two anchors. From there it was a short leap to figure out its likely location tied to the Hawks on the ocean floor.

WAIT SRSLY? Bringing more than the necessary people to a murder is dumb. To involve a lily-livered novice like Machain (a near-stranger) and then mention his presence -- with no prompting -- during questioning is really dumb. And, wow, enlisting a heavily-tattooed gangbanger with a foot-long braided goatee named JFK and trying to pass him off as your accountant ... well, that's just another level of dipshittery. This is Skylar Deleon, super criminal.

THE VERDICT Deleon and JFK each received a death sentence for two counts of first-degree murder, while Henderson received two life terms for her role as the plot's ahem "mastermind" -- a term that belongs nowhere in any discussion of these fuckheads. In exchange for his cooperation with authorities, Alonzo Machain received a considerably lighter sentence of 21 years.

MIKE MURDER SEZ "I don't like to see anybody get dead, but in this case I can't help but feel doubly-wronged. I grew up around boat people and, by and large, they're good people who like others to have good times on their boats. The world needs more, not fewer, boat people. A land-lubbing, mealy-mouthed suck like Deleon has no business on or around a boat and should have been keel-hauled on sight. As far as his attempt at murder by committee, he is a classic example of the over-talker who thinks he can re-route the interest in him as a suspect by blabbing himself further and further into a hole. Eat shit fuckface."

MURDER TONY SEZ "The work of this crew is like a clinic in dickhead crime. Like, only a boner-bending fucktard could find it logical to escalate to murder after roundly failing at burglary and fraud. His compatriots define off-brand, his planning and leadership laughable. But Skylar's suckiest move was his choice of victims: two nice people with loving relatives and friends, hard-workers who sold their house to afford a nice boat, people who will be missed and with whom any juror will identify. It's the strongest pro-capital punishment ad ever. I mean, what would've been their next scheme? Rape Betty White with a puppy? Fucking assholes."

RATING NEGATIVE ONE BUNDY (JOHN JARVI ONE BUNDY / JOHN & JACKIE HAWKS MINUS TWO BUNDYS)